Personal Experiences of Self-Awareness, Oneness and Self-Realization

First Experience: Self-Awareness

At 21 I was attending Junior College. I had been reading the teachings of Gurdjieff and attempting to put them into practice. I had also taken a Comparative Religions course and was reading Huston Smith's, "The World Religions." When I read the section on Advaita philosophy it had the "ring of truth" to me. So, I began to desire a real spiritual practice so that I might go further. I remember in my teens that I had read Alan Watts and always remembered the point that there was "something" that Zen Masters were referring to. I had also read many different books of a self-help, psychological and/or of a spiritual nature. One of those books was "Autobiography of a Yogi," by Paramahansa Yogananda. Due to all of these various influences I started practicing Kriya Yoga. This practice lasted for only about a month.

What happened to change my direction or course was an ad in the "Open Exchange," a free paper that advertised various spiritual and other classes, teachers and events in my area. What I found was an ad for a Satsang discussing precisely the Advaita Vedanta philosophy that I had been interested in. This is where I met my Teacher. His name was Ati and he had been with Robert Adams, who had spent a number of years with Ramana Maharshi. Presently, my own Teacher Ati is no longer giving Satsangs as far as I know. In respect for his desire for anonymity and his wishes for privacy I will only refer to him by his chosen name at the time of Ati. At the period when I was seeing Ati, he also encouraged me to go around and to see other teachers of various sorts. I saw Gangaji a few times; Jean Klein; Haniff who was in San Francisco and who later returned to Pakistan; Hanuman; and possibly a few others whom I do not recall. What I learned from Ati was all that I needed to know.

He taught what he taught at the time, which was Advaita Vedanta. He had written a book that he printed out and gave freely to those who came to his Satsang. I wish that I had retained a copy of this book but I did not. Anyway, when I first met Ati I felt a connection with him. I told him that I was riding the BART train and then walking to get there. He offered to pick me up and to return me to the BART station. The interesting thing about these experiences was that as soon as I entered his older American car and sat down in it I would feel this energy at the top of my head. Those were the first experiences that I had with Ati that were distinctive. There were never more than three or four people at his Satsangs but he was a good teacher nonetheless and would talk about the Advaita perspective and then answer questions. I mostly listened and learned.

My first real experience of Self-Awareness occurred while our eyes were closed and we were practicing a guided meditation led by Ati. He had us doing something akin to a Metta practice where one sends lovingkindness to all beings. After this he had instructed us to send love in all directions and then he asked us to expand our awareness in all directions. I did as I was told and that is when I had my first experience of Self-Awareness. What happened was that I could feel very clearly that my awareness extended well beyond the boundaries of my body. When I opened my eyes, I remained in this awareness for some time...a new awareness for me. Ati saw what was happening and we talked about it after the Satsang. It was a very different awareness than mindfulness, self-remembering or even paying attention. This was my first real experience and my first real step towards Self-Realization/Enlightenment.


Second Experience: Oneness

During this same period of time when I was seeing Ati, I had my first experience of Oneness. I was at my brother's girlfriend's place with both my brother and my mother. We were talking. My brother was talking very much about various things and for some reason I started to get bored, disinterested or even annoyed. What happened shortly thereafter was very interesting and insightful, as I became One with my brother for a brief period of time. Maybe it was only a minute or two but it was a very clear and compelling experience. From that experience I learned two things, one was how to become or how to realize my Oneness with any object through focusing intently upon it and two was just how much energetic purification that I was in need of.

I remember those wonderful days when I was still attending Junior College, walking around experiencing Oneness and Love with all and everything. That period did not last very long due to energetic tensions, pressure and releases but the lessons were retained. Some of these experiences may have been precipitated by my contact with both Ati and Haniff. These experiences helped me to see but not to understand. I glimpsed Enlightenment but I had not Realized my Self. I was still interpreting this all as experiences or states and not as what it really was. I was experiencing but without true understanding. Nonetheless, these experiences were a very important second step towards Self-Realization/Enlightenment.



Third Experience: Self-Realization

At this point I just wanted to rest in this Loving-Blissful Awareness. To do so was an energetic struggle, as my purification began from this point onward pretty much without break for 15 years. But, I did not give up so easily, right away. It wasn't until later that I realized the severity of my energetic problems and the duration of my purification process. What would happen is that I would turn my awareness inward, let go or surrender and I would experience some temporary Joy. This went on for some time, I was like a moth to an outdoor light, though I get burned again and again I still would go back.

This continued for some period of time and then there was one special night. I was outside taking a walk along a trail. I was going inward like usual but...this time it was different. I made a determination to "go all the way" and to see what was to be seen. In this moment I turned my awareness inward and let go, completely surrendering. What I experienced was no body, no mind; only Light and only Bliss. In this experience - which was timeless or beyond time but that lasted only for a few moments - I realized my Self. The recognition, the realization, the understanding was simply that this is "who I am, was and will be." I knew that I was eternal and that I was beyond everything that is temporary. All of this was known immediately, directly and without thought in an instant. The knowing was internally self-evident, without any need of external confirmation, proof or validation. This was the most important step that I took when I realized "who I am," and what my Self is.



Conclusion

After I had these three distinct experiences, my understanding was relatively complete even though my Enlightenment wasn't final. It was only a matter of energy over time, being released, cleansed, transformed and my system being purified mentally and as well as emotionally but mostly energetically. I share these experiences precisely because I think that they will give insight into the ideas that I have shared in other posts and also due to the practical relevance of these three experiences. Each experience shows not only a distinct but also a direct pathway to Enlightenment. I have been fortunate to have experienced all three, to be able to understand their significance and to share them with others. Awareness turned inward is one pathway to Enlightenment. Awareness expanding outward in all directions is another pathway to Self-Realization. When objects are focused intently upon, they can become pathways to awareness of Oneness. These are the three ways to come to the same place of Self-Awareness, which facilitates Self-Realization/Enlightenment.


I share my experiences and my stories only because they are relevant. These concepts that I share through this Blog are not speculative, theoretical or philosophical, as they are practical. I have experienced each exactly as I have described them to you!